Living Wake

“A curious thing happens when we die: We become celebrities. People appear to say how much we meant to them. We are regaled and wept over and cherished. There are speeches and fanfare.” –Cyrus Copeland, author of GodSpeed, The Greatest Eulogies of our Life.

Finally your fifteen minutes have arrived. Yet, I fear 15 minutes too late. What if you could hear all the speeches and bask in the fanfare? What if you could be the guest of honor to the grandest celebration of your life? What if you could hear your family’s last words and listen to your friends share their most memorable stories of you?  Mark Twain, the astute observer of human behavior and one of the greatest authors in American history, portrayed his fascination of eavesdropping on his own funeral in the novel “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” published in 1902.

A living wake also known as a living funeral is a celebration of a person’s life before he or she dies. In most cases the honoree has a terminal illness. The family and friends gather at the honoree’s home, a church, a banquet room, a theater or community center like they might at a funeral or wake. They recite speeches and recall memories shared with the guest of honor. Most importantly, they’ve been given a space or a stage to say farewell, thank you, I love you and I’ll remember you always. Some of the speeches may take on a roast. Humor is appropriate. It’s a lovely antidote to evoke laughter during a time devoted to heartfelt reflections and tributes. Everyone wants to know that this world is a better place because he or she passed through so this is a time to focus on delivering that message to the person. Living wake offers a time for the survivors to meditate and share the stories that exalt the honoree.

Sometimes, people don’t learn the most interesting qualities and experiences about a person until the funeral. Certainly, not the best time to learn something new about your father, brother, mother or sister. So, the living wake offers a time to really learn about the “whole life” of a person. Today, people lead such splintered lives spread far apart in many cases from their birthplace and their families. It takes a death to unite people from distant locals in one place. Sometimes and friends from far chose to wait till the funeral to make the journey. I wonder if they would make the journey earlier for a living funeral.

So when might a person chose to indulge in such a ritual? Today, most people know when their time is short and the body is in irreparable decline. Many people deny it to themselves and those around them for self-preservation and protection of the family. The living wake is so instrumental in stimulating the family and friends to begin to talk about the possibility of the end. It’s not talking about death but rather life. I’ve come to the conclusion that this new ritual honors a person in a way that no milestone or birthday celebration is able to over the course of a life. In those culminating hours, family, friends and colleagues mark the sum of all those milestones and birthdays, a total life mission accomplished.

A terminal illness often strips a person of his or her autonomy, individuality and social identity. Experts call this a social death because a person maybe bound to a wheelchair or a bed. This is the hour when a person feeling quite vulnerable could find renewal in hearing about his or her life shared through the cherished lens of others rather than after he or she takes the last breath. The ritual binds the honoree, family and friends in reciprocity. Everyone is uplifted in a way they thought impossible at this stage of life, because attendees are given the microphone to say those words of remembrance and know the honoree is receiving it. That is so gratifying especially at an hour when we as humans feel completely out of control. A good ritual shatters isolation and leads the way to transformation. In the end, it’s a remarkable gift to give as a parting gift to the honoree and an extraordinary memory to leave in the minds of survivors.